Showing posts with label The Drum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Drum. Show all posts

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Five things the regional marketing trade press should stop banging on about and five things it really ought to pay more attention to (part 1)

Reading The Drum’s website, as I occasionally do just to remind me that I’m best and to keep abreast of the latest skulduggery being perpetrated by my one-time employers, I was struck recently by just how cyclical the regional marcoms press is (and, frankly, always was). Just as certain major clients seem to forever return to the realm of regional agencies, despite occasional forays into London (Redrow, Iceland, Morrisons etc), certain issues similarly perpetually pop up as a source of mock indignation for the cerebrally-challenged individuals who currently edit these publications and their on-line equivalents.

A Drum reader recently
The latest topic to be recycled is that hoary old topic of free pitching. Even Gordon Young, recently recycled himself as the editor of The Drum, had to confess that he had to “stifle a yawn” when the age old issue once again shuffled to centre stage in his editorial  for the Feb 3rd issue.

Gordy’s editorial made me think two things:

1) The University of Life, from which Gordon proudly graduated, obviously doesn’t have a literacy module (witness: “Disquiet at public sector tendering – even the concept of free speculative creative pitching – is nothing knew” and “And the truly depressing things is…”).

2) The trade press, in both its print and digital incarnations, really ought to try harder on behalf of its readership. There are certain issues that are deader than the market for “I heart Mubarak” mugs in Tahrir Square, deader even than Niall Kennedy’s career prospects. With this in mind – and being a helpful sort of chap – I have come up with a list of five subjects that should be gathered up, bound together and posted to Iraq in a parcel marked : “Flammable: Amusing Danish cartoons About the Pophet Mohammed. May contain pork products.”

To replace this Infamous Five, I’ll also suggest a quintet of issues that really do merit a little more attention than they are currently receiving.

1. Pitching

There is more chance of Frankie Boyle hosting next year’s Children of Courage Awards than the marketing communications industry ever abiding by any guidelines relating to participating in pitches. The root of this is that, unlike many of the other sectors that offer professional services – lawyers, accountants, surveyors etc – there is simply no bar to entry in the worlds of PR, advertising or design. Any tosser can go into business into any of these sectors and be completely unchallenged as to providing credentials, demonstrating experience or proving their insight. The proof of my assertion is the number of tossers who already have.

The upshot of this is that any company high-minded enough to eschew free pitches is automatically excluding itself from the industry’s chosen route for allocating new business. If the IPA/IPR/Design Society – hardly truly representative bodies for their respective industries anyway – today agreed on binding guidelines for all of their members with regard to free pitching, the first item on the agenda of its following meeting would be just what sanctions to impose on the 70+ per cent of its members who had already broken the code. This doesn’t even take into consideration the massed ranks of agencies who would rather spend their money on Stetsons, spurs and renewing their annual membership of the Harrogate High Chaparral fan club than subsidising the cucumber sandwiches in Belgrave Square

Quite simply, this is not an issue that is pining for the fjords.

2. London

Award-winning work from the regions recently
Neither is issue number two. For all the UK regions that are home to any marketing communications community outside of London (particularly the North West, the Midlands, Yorkshire, the North East, Scotland and the South Coast), the capital has long been the subject of fist-waving fury. Management and creatives (in particular) are forever banging on about being every bit as good as “that London”.

The MD of one agency that I had the misfortune to work for, once told his assembled staff that, if Coca-Cola called the agency the following day, he had every confidence they could handle the whole account. This was despite the fact he only had a staff of 7 (some of them full-time) and his infirmity was such that I seriously doubted his ability to successfully open a can of the fizzy drink in question, let alone mastermind its international branding strategy.

There is a word for every creative or account director who tells you that they chose to make a career for themselves outside of London. That word is “dishonest”. Just as every housewife rehearsing her Blanche Dubois for a debut at the Firth Park Community Theatre dreams of getting that phone call from Andrew Llloyd Webber, so too does every creative completing his 20th Costcutter shelf-wobbler of the day dream of getting a call from any agency with “0207” on its headed paper.

"That London..." recently


As one of the world’s leading centres of advertising, PR and design excellence (though, admittedly, having lost some of its international cachet of late), London inevitably hoovers up the finest UK talent across all of the marketing communications disciplines (inevitably accidentally also taking on board more than its fair share of out-and-out wankers in the process). This pool of talents and resources, in terms of both perception and reality, is inevitably going to see all the really sexy clients gravitate towards London, especially if they have TV on their agenda.

A regional PR exec recently
The regions can – and do – thrive on other less thrilling work, the kind of stuff no-one really goes into the business to produce. Retail work, local implementation, and below-the-line activity pay the bills of every local advertising agency. PR firms fare a little better, tending to secure a number of truly national brands, perhaps because creativity is perceived as less at a premium among the PR community, perhaps because regional PR girls wear shorter skirts than their London counterparts and look more “up for it” or perhaps because the PR industry is better at retaining local talent. It’s probably a combination of all three to be honest.

On the design side, a number of companies have managed to attract serious clients, keen on capitalising (pun sort of intended) on the quirky regionality that once made places like Manchester (well just Manchester, actually) internationally renowned for its music and fashion. Companies such as The Chase, True North, Elmwood, Thompsons, Designers Republic, Attik and, once upon a time, Love have long attracted serious player to use their services, but then there is a lot less risk in trusting a one-off design project to a company in Manchester’s Northern Quarter, than in switching your entire TV spend for the year into an agency in Beeston, no matter what its MD may tell his staff on away-days.

In short, the London issue, particularly in the advertising sector, is one that is well past its tell-by date. Many individuals have made a good living out of working in advertising, PR or design without ever having to own an Oyster card. Enjoy the benefits of living outside the capital, but accept that the Man from Del Monte he never going to say “yes” when it comes to adding your agency to his roster.

Staff on the  regional trade press can also play a role in addressing this reality. After all they seem to have accepted that their own destinies lie in slightly re-writing press releases about the exaggerated spend some obscure Bath-based agency is claiming on behalf of a new client in the regional fried chicken sector, rather than in uncovering evidence of high-level political embezzlement.

As a post-script to this, I would like to pay tribute to possibly the only wholly honest regional creative I ever met, the almost-but-not-quite-legendary-except-in-his-own-mind-obviously Rick Kieswetter.

Rick (not so recently)
When I first met Rick, he was working at McCanns in Prestbury and was desperate to get out. At the time, we had brought Trevor Beattie down to the agency to chair the judging pair for the first ever Cream of Manchester awards. I swear, Rick hung around outside the doors of the agency’s boardroom for the whole day, clutching his book. As soon as Trev emerged, Rick thrust his portfolio into the bemused creative maestro’s hands, completely ignoring the fact that an incredulous Brian Child, then chief exec of McCann Manc, was a witness to it all.

Rick eventually managed to secure a creative role in London and, as part of his farewell celebrations, seriously discussed the possibility with me of taking out a full page ad in the following issue of The Marketeer. Ostensibly, this would be to “thank” all the people who had helped him achieve his dream, in reality, of course, the subtext would have been: “Farwewell suckers, I’ve made it! Now get back to your shelf-wobblers.”

Coming soon: Three other things the regional marcoms press really should stop banging on about.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Day I Shagged Kylie up the Arse


I must confess you have been lured here under false pretences. Miss Minogue’s orifices, rectal or otherwise, have remained unsullied by the Murray manhood – despite the many nude Polaroids and samples of pubic hair I sent her by recorded delivery. Why, shame to admit, I have not even had Dannii.
However, I have borrowed this notion of boosting traffic to my blog from my dear old pals at The Drum. A token mention of the World Cup here, a fleeting and shallow look at the iPad and even some ill-informed shite about China – all aimed at attracting unwary googling browsers to their site and artificially – and temporarily – swelling their visitor numbers. Love to see the number of revisits.
Shame on my pals at Brazen et al, supposedly experts in social media, for falling for this tosh and retweeting the Drum’s claims to be the 999th most read website in the UK, which still sees them nestling somewhere between donkeyporn.org.uk and johnselwyngummersfavouritesmells.co.uk.
Deceptive, lacking verification and only taken on board by the ill-informed – if Carlsberg wrote positioning statements for Glasgow-based publishing companies…
Nick Clegg was my bitch at Eton by the way

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Who Gave Love a Bad Name?

Falling out of Love is never a pleasant process, especially if your former partner – or indeed partners – are determined to inflict every iota of added injury they possibly can, with the incentive of their own pecuniary interest very much to the fore.

Now, I am not referring to any of my ill-advised trysts of yesteryear, but rather to events of a more recent hue. Let me take you back – and please supply your own shimmery dissolve here – to the events of November 2008 and the court case that saw Alistair Sim, founder and managing director of Love Creative, take the stand in Stockport Magistrates’ Court and plead guilty to assault.

The gravity of the situation saw Sim (right) immediately quit his role, a decision announced in a statement by Dave Palmer, a fellow director of the agency, thusly: “We were aware that Alistair was having some personal problems, but the severity of the situation has meant that his position has become untenable at Love. It was Alistair’s decision to step down, and under the circumstances it was the right decision to make.

"Undoubtedly, this is an extremely traumatic time for Alistair and his family, and, although we cannot condone his actions in any way, we are very sympathetic to all involved. Alistair hasn’t been involved in the day-to-day running and strategic direction of client accounts for some time, and his departure, will have no impact in this area."

As it turned out, Palmer and his associates had a strange way of being “very sympathetic to all concerned”, but we’ll come back to that in due course. First let’s take a look at the court case itself, which saw both the chief reporter of the Manchester Evening News and, unusually, a photographer sat on the press benches. Now, whereas I can just believe that even the dwindling resources of the MEN might have stretched to providing a reporter for this case, I find it very hard to accept that their antennae were so finely tuned as to be aware of it. This does beg the question – “Who tipped them off?” With the obvious answer being – “Whoever had the most to gain.”

Draw your own conclusions, sympathetically, of course. Or perhaps ask Phil Skegg (left), who has several mates who are journos on the MEN, sufficiently close mates to reveal the contents of the article prior to its publication. Skegg was one of the few, including Sim, his immediate family, his estranged partner and Palmer, to know the scheduling and details of the case. It is possible that the hearing was picked up solely on the basis of the court listings, but it is unlikely.

Farewell to the Dream Team
Sim’s departure from the business was immediate and abrupt, although there was a tacit understanding that he might return once everything blew over. The unwritten nature of this agreement was one that was to prove costly to Sim over the next 18 months. It wasn’t only Sim that suffered though, Love itself has become a shadow of the once-all-conquering mini-creative behemoth, which won the admiration (albeit grudgingly) of even rival agencies. Surprisingly, though, its reputation has suffered considerably less than that of Mr Sim.

Since Alistair’s departure at the end of 2008, at least 14 members of staff have quit the company (for completists that’s Richard Hall, Cheryl Borkin, Adam Rix, Simon Griffin, Rory Sutherland, Leanda Falcon, Jonny Whiteoak, Jono Brain, Ben Taylor, Adam Forthergill, Shelley Wood, Harinder Bajwa and Gre Hale). This follows on from the six who left in the three months prior to his departure (Jonathan Rigby, Andy O'Dwyer, Alison Johnson, Jon Hatton, Frank Carolan and Rob Brearley).

Add into this the earlier departure of co-founder Dave Simpson and Matt Beardsell to launch Music in January 2008 and it brings the total no of departures (including Sim himself and the company’s first ever redundancies) since Love moved from Tib Street to High Street in 2006 to a whopping 24. (To put this into perspective, rival NW design outfit, True North, lost four members of staff during the same period. True North employs 16, Love fluctuates around 30, so even doubling the TN figure to take account for this still sees Love losing three times as many staff).

Essentially, of the Dream Team that built Love’s reputation during its first eight years of existence, only Phil Skegg (now chairman) and Dave Palmer (executive creative director) remain. The relative youth and inexperience of the Dream Team’s replacements has been reflected in the agency’s lacklustre performance in terms of new business and awards, sectors where they were once unassailable, at least in NW terms.

Awards and New Business Wasteland
Where, at one time, the agency took the chairman’s award at the Roses, regularly picked up Design Week awards and pretty much swept the board at Fresh, 2009 was a disaster for the agency – nothing at all in Design Week, a couple of bronzes and silvers at the Roses and just two awards at Fresh – down from 14 the previous year. It was, without a doubt, the company’s worst ever year for awards.
2010 is shaping up to be a little better with a bronze in low budget, and a gold for illustration at the Roses – neither in categories the agency will be rejoicing over. Obviously, they’re not advertising with the Carnyx group as much as they used to.

A lean time for awards then, though it’s a comparatively rosy result compared to the company’s new business performance. Unlike a lot of other NW design companies – True North, Dinosaur, The Chase etc – Love has always been primarily project-oriented. This was fine when Sim was constantly shovelling in new business, but once the pipeline was cut, the agency faced a huge problem in meeting its considerable overheads. The problem has been compounded by the loss of work from Microsoft, the Student Travel Association, All About Food (the parent company of Nandos’ source of sauces) and its removal from the BBC roster.

The agency may also be regretting the largesse that saw it give away accounts to breakaway start-up, Music, including work for Manchester City, the Manchester International Festival, Christian Aid and the furniture manufacturer, Allermuir. It’s not all bad news though as chairman Skegg is believed to maintain an interest in the start-up, a lifeboat in waiting the cynical might say.

In truth the agency is now completely reliant on work from just two clients – Sony and Umbro, although the margins on the latter are believed to be particularly low. Some reports even suggest that Paul Chorlton, the company’s financial director, personally bailed out the business with his own funds and money from Life PR, the Ducie Street-based business he is part owner of.

It’s not all been gloom for Love though. Back in January 2009, Sarah Murray joined the company as head of new business and, just six months later, presumably after a record-breaking whirlwind romance, she was married (above) to Stephen Corlett, one of the senior marketing team at Umbro. With Corlett (Mr) now believed to be heading off to the States, it might be time for other NW design consultancies to send their most comely single account directors Cheadlewards.

The Shafting Begins
Perhaps the company’s failures on the staff and client retention, awards and new business fronts may be explained away by the fact that the attention of its remaining directors was elsewhere – largely on shafting its former MD. Much of the creativity and innovation of Messrs Skegg, Chorlton and Palmer, since November 2008, has gone into ensuring that Sim received the minimum possible payout for his shareholding in the business he built.

Under the auspices of its three directors, Love delayed posting its 2009 accounts for as long as possible. When they eventually submitted them they recorded £255k of accrued/deferred income in comparison to just £80k in the previous year (the majority of it, apparently, down to their nuptial connections at Umbro). In effect, the company deliberately held back on registering accrued income until after a compulsory sales transfer notice was served on Sim in August 2009. This allowed them to post a big loss and considerably undervalue the company.

Despite his resignation – and largely because of the outstanding issue regarding the shares – Sim had remained a director of Love until April 2009. Without his consent, however, the remaining directors had cancelled the shareholders’ dividends as of January 2009, effectively stripping Sim and his family of any income at all. So much for being “sympathetic” to all involved.

These January moves also saw the remaining management of Love renege on earlier promises that Sim would have the option of returning to the business and taking up a role in one of the company’s subsidiaries – either Toy or Make. It also saw the company officially decline to pay Sim any notice pay, potentially resulting in financial disaster for its ex-MD.

This was a very different picture to that painted by those same directors when the MEN initially broke the story back in November 2008. Back then, the directors, all mock sympathy and concern, had turned up at Sim’s house with promises to make sure he and his kids didn’t suffer, telling him he could keep his shares and that they’d carry on paying him till it all blew over.

Nothing was put in writing about this meeting but I, like a number of other figures in the industry, was in regular contact with Sim at the time and was well aware of what he had been promised and his expectation to eventually return to the business.

Dismissal Missives
Sim’s first inkling that these promises were unlikely to be kept came in a series of letters from Paul Chorlton, Love’s financial director, demanding his “official” resignation and cutting his notice period from six months to three. When Sim queried this and referred to the earlier agreement, he received a letter, just before Christmas 2008, announcing Love was initiating a dismissal procedure against him. He was eventually sacked in January 2009. At the same time the company suspended the shareholders’ dividends, whilst increasing the salaries of the remaining directors as “compensation”.

No transfer of shares was initiated until August 2009 when Sim’s 33% share in the business he had spent eight years building was valued at just £240 – largely due to the financial chicanery of FD Chorlton and co. To this day, Sim has no idea who has taken over his stake in the business and those details have yet to be recorded at Companies House, although this is a legal requirement in such a transaction. Sim still retains his original share certificate which he has understandably declined to return.

The low valuation put on the business by the triumvirate of remaining directors in August 2009 is quite at odds with the picture they painted in April of that year, when they were in negotiations with Hasgrove (parent company of the Chase, Amaze et al) about selling the business. Then they produced figures showing that Love was making £15k profit a month and valued the business at some £2 million. In the end, the deal foundered when Palmer unilaterally stopped attending meetings with Hasgrove and announced, without putting it to a vote with the other shareholders, that the deal was off.

Love for Sale
The negotiations between Love and Hasgrove were proceeding even as Sim finalized his own deal to join The Chase as business development director, a move that was announced at the end of May 2009. Had the Hasgrove/Love deal gone through, it would have seen Sim reunited with the team he had largely built up and, perhaps, resulted in a financial and creative renaissance for Love. Sadly, it was not to be.

On the brink of a financial crisis, Sim had little alternative but to rescind his resignation and take his former company to an employment tribunal for unfair dismissal. It is here that the waters become very muddied indeed. As part of the proceedings, Sim maintained that he had long understood – ever since the November 2008 meeting – that the directors had assured his eventual return to the business. Although many ex and current members of staff at Love also recall just such assurances about Sim’s future being made to them, the directors felt free to tell the court that this was not the case. I’m sure there’s a legal term for this.

Neither did the tribunal take into account the fact that Chris Conlan, Love’s new MD, had emailed Sim, prior to his own elevation, and told him: “All our clients and staff are supporting you and are sure you will bounce back from this.”

Chorlton (right, sans foil), Skegg and Palmer even went as far as to bring back short-lived joint MD Richard Hall (sacked several months earlier for trying to install an entirely inappropriate “Hitlerite” regime at Love’s High St offices) to ‘stick the boot’ into Sim.

Bizarrely, the legal discussion moved from whether Sim actually had brought Love into disrepute to whether he could have done by staying. It could well be argued that a truer picture would have been that, in fact, it was Sim’s departure that ultimately led to a number of staff decamping, creative standards falling and clients moving their business elsewhere.

The company offered little evidence that any client made representations about potentially moving their business in the light of Sim’s actions, but still ruled they might have done had he stayed. The one area focussed on by the tribunal was the negative publicity generated by the press coverage of Sim’s trial and sentencing.

It is impossible not to wonder if the tribunal would have been quite so sympathetic to Love had they known the role of at least two of the directors in orchestrating that negative press coverage. As well as flagging up the original court case, both the MEN and, resulting in a rare trip South of the Border, even the Drum were briefed to attend the two tribunals. How-do, which had been far more impartial in its coverage, received no such briefing.

Despite reports from normally reliable media sources and The Drum, Love did not get it all it own way, with the tribunal ruling that the company should indeed have honoured Sim’s notice payments, amounting to some 50k. To date, they have still singularly failed to meet this obligation, even six months on from the tribunal.

The End of the Affair...
Unfortunately for Sim, his months of unemployment and continuing financial commitments to his family, left him without the funds to take the matter further and challenge the valuation presented by his former colleagues Nor could he afford to take issue with the unilateral share transfer.

Following the tribunal, the information provided by Love’s financial director ensured that the company was deemed insolvent by its auditors. In order to maintain this fiction, the deferred amounts in the end-of-year accounts were continually pushed back, first to September then finally into October. Technically, during this period, the company should have gone into administration. The pressures of maintaining this distorted picture of the business and of rewriting history around the promises made to Sim prior to his resignation proved too much for some members of staff.

In the end, after eight years building the business and several months in the wilderness, Sim received nothing at from Love, whilst people who had contributed far less gave themselves pay rises and continued to kick him when he was very much down. Ultimately, it was not Sim who brought Love into disrepute.

This article is obviously one-sided, something for which I make no apology. The coverage to date – with the honourable exception of how-do, which has demonstrated a fair degree of impartiality – has been equally one-sided, albeit skewed entirely in favour of Love. This was epitomised by the ever-gutless Drum, who have seemed almost entirely in the pocket of Love – going as far at one point as to run an on-line poll asking: “Should Alastair Sim ever be allowed to work in the industry again?” They then compounded the offence by sending Alistair a whiny e-mail complaining that he had given How-do an exclusive interview but had declined to speak to them. Now why do you think that was you cottage industry clowns?

Some 18 months on from the assault that Sim himself has called his “Bonfire of the Vanities” moment, we are left with two damaged brands. Sim’s own brand, once highly-regarded in the North West and beyond, has suffered as a result of one moment of madness. The Love brand, itself, has been undermined by 18 months of mendacity, duplicity, greed, schadenfreude, incompetence, egotism and short-sightedness.

I know which one is most likely to recover.

You Get The Trade Press You Deserve

Distracted, as I have been, by watching two UK-based millionaires warn orphans, pensioners and nurses of the need to tighten their belts, this new instalment of my blog has been a little delayed – plus one of the articles proved to be something of a marathon undertaking (see "Who Gave Love a Bad Name?").

A number of people have emailed me and asked me why I have suddenly decided to write a blog, particularly one which covers some issues which are well over a decade old. The simple answer is that I felt the time was right. There have been a number of things I’ve been mulling over for some time that I felt ought to be expressed. This is not, as one correspondent suggested, a valedictory move on my part. Far from it.

One issue that has particularly prompted me to take to bloggery is how tame the regional marketing communications trade press has become. True the Drum has always been gutless and simply regurgitated press releases in the hope of wooing advertisers, whilst burying bad news – particularly in Scotland – for fear of the companies concerned retaliating by not supporting one of its 115 going-to-the-well-way-too-often credibility-free awards schemes. This is a problem that is writ large on its website.

On a side note, one thing that does amuse me nowadays is how the Drum has now taken to commenting on national and international issues, such as the BP oil leak, World Cup scandals and ipad sales. They really must learn to be more discerning about where they cut and paste from.

Whilst it’s almost quite endearing that the Carynx munchkins (pictured left) seriously seem to believe they have something of value to add on issues where they are transparently out of their depths, it is also kind of pathetic. It reminds me of left-at-home kids parading around in their parent’s outsized clothing, whilst haphazardly applying mascara and rouge to their pre-pubescent features – bizarre, inappropriate, wrong and more than faintly ludicrous. Best stick to exhaustive plugs for their struggling awards events and kowtowing to Propaganda, I suggest.

To return to my original theme, in an industry where smoke and mirrors are fitted as standard it is important to have a cynical and informed trade press, whether that be in a print format or online. Even how-do, much as I love it and continue to support it, is falling short in that direction.

A prime example of that is Love Creative (see again "Who Gave Love a Bad Name?") and its fortunes over the last 18 months. This is a story that has been bubbling under for a while, with the agency palpably cruising on its past glories and being sustained by a firmly fixed “emperor’s new clothes” mentality on the part of industry commentators – at least until now.

For proprietors concerned that printing adverse comments or not publishing every press release they receive will alienate potential advertisers or sponsors, I would say this – the ultimate prize in this sector is recruitment. To succeed in recruitment you have to be read not just by those desperately seeking jobs – usually the lowest priority for recruiters to access – but those that are wooed onto your pages by items of interest and then stumble across a job opportunity they can’t resist.

Ultimately, the publication or website that secures the most readers, the most word-of-mouth appreciation and the most off-diary/non-PR stories will triumph. Advertisers and sponsors will follow the readers, but the readers won’t follow anything that is awash with transparent PR guff and obviously skewed self-penned travesties of the truth – and yes, SASS, I am thinking about you metamorphosing into Mosquito.

The Drum and How-Do reported SASS’ MD, Jo Sass (above) in early March as saying she wanted to replace “"a traditional agency model that had started to feel outmoded and clunky with a more focused unit that was streamlined, nimble and responsive." Blimey that’s a relief – for a minute there I thought it was more to do with SASS’ insolvency hearing that took place two weeks later.

When your readership is as cynical as the marketing communications industry, you put your credibility on the line when you tacitly endorse stories that are transparently untrue by publishing them unchecked and unchallenged.

Every industry gets the trade press it deserves. The regional marcomms sector has obviously done something spectacularly bad to merit the services of the Drum. I just hope how-do rises to the challenge of providing an informed, irreverent and inspiring alternative. Go on, Mr J, you know you want to.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

All the things I've done


Nick Creed
All the charisma of a sea of stagnant piss.
Diane Young
The reason DNA testing was invented.
Peter Booth and Martin Howley
Made my life miserable at secondary school, but was sort of buffered by the fore-knowledge that the rest of their lives would involve them dispensing fries and assiduously seeking out sachets of tartar sauce. Which it did.
Gordon Young
Actually lovable muppet, spends his entire life in fear of his missus. Possibly asexual (him not her – which may explain a lot).
Billy Anderson
A cunt’s cunt. Tricked his way into my home in Manc. Waited till I went out then rifled through all my possessions. Truth came out when he commented on my liking for Hawaiian shirts – buried at the back of a wardrobe. Later claimed I offered him coke. Truth is Billy, if I’d had coke I’d have snorted before you arrived, I would never have offered it you because I thought you were a grade “A” cunt. You sold nowt during your brief time at the Drum, as a former bankrupt. I dare say you have sold fuck all ever since whilst you’ve been at GMG. Look up cunt on wikipedia and you get gps direction to Billy’s house. Possibly the person I dislike the most. A cunt.
Shafat Ali
Battling with depression and big financial problems, I limped into Asian Sound Radio in 2002 and then got systematically ripped off. I met some lovely people there – Shujat and Younis (possibly one of the nicest guys I know). If Shafat comes across your personal horizon, write off any money you expect to make and prepare for defaults. A crook
Niall Boyle
When I firs came to China, I ended up sharing an apartment with Niall. He was twice the size of me and took to bullying and intimidating me. What he never knew was that me and Mary, my partner, at the time, used to regularly stick his tootbrush and that of his, underage, partners up each other’s arses. Hope you are reading this Niall.You take care now.
Mike McCormack
McCormack so much wanted to be Ray Sale, when Ray died he failed the audition.Big style.
Ted Walmsley
Dull cunt, staying awake in the self-regarding presence of this Daily Telegraph rep was above and beyond work requirements. Don’t know what he’s doing now. Suspect not much.
Adam Godley
Possibly clinically insane. A teacher at Aihua who claimed to be able to tell the future. Hr couldn’t. He got sacked.unexpectedly. Recently voted by DC, Fin and me as Aihua’s worst ever teacher. Including the paedophile. Bet he didn’t see that coming.
Niall Kennedy
Degree from Balliol, made pregnant women cry and smelt like a rogered skunk. Epic cunt.
Lloyd Anderson
Teacher at Aihua. Snogged Chinese girls when they were passed out. Candidate for involuntary euthanasia.
Dr C
Mad bad, Dr C, deeply-flawed but deeply loved by equally deeply flawed me. I’d trust him totally with regard to anything and hope he feels the same way about me.
Finlay Beaton
An amazing person, he exudes a degree of good will and trust around himself to an extent I doubt he really knows. We don’t always see eye-to-eye, but he’s one of the few people who makes it feel like that’s my fault. Which I kind of like. Diamond geezer.
John Mckeown
An old friend. Would love to see him. Smart beyond his years and has the inner tranquillity I spend my life craving.
Claire Haigh/Shaw
An old friend from school. Me and the missus met her a Xmas and the years fell away. Very fond of her and glad we are back in touch.
Nick Jaspan
Nick bought me back into journalism. One of the smartest and most genuine guys I know. Whatever he does with how-do, I owe him and I hope we will always be mates.
Paul Caroll
Not everyone’s favourite but one of mine,. PR consultancies across the region can breathe easily with Paul in semi-retirement, but should he change his mind you’ve had it. Maybe worth subbing his Saga holidays cruises and annual stipend to the bowling green.
Graeme Wood
Few people, save from Terry Savage, inspire a desire in me to spontaneously hug, but Graeme does. Graeme is smart, genuine and great company. Four minutes to the end of the world? I’d have a beer with Graeme – and not just because he’d insist on paying.
Mel Harding
One of the funniest and kindest people I know. Took pity on me when I was deeply in the shit. Never forgotten.
Mike Barrington
A friend and mentor who has watched me fuck up more time than I know and still bought me pizza. One day I’d like to be that smart. And have a house in NZ/
Debbie Brown
Of all the people I never had sex with, Debbie Brown is the one I love the most. She was a phenomenon. The biggest mistake I made was stopping working with her. The biggest mistake we both made was not trying to buy the business off Wilmington who are, were and always will be a directionless bunch of chancers.
Rob Rea
An old uni mate and somebody else I should tell how much I appreciate him. He helped me out in the bad times and was never judgemental. You know what., Rob, I owe you a dinner and a half.
Ken Tod
Ten times nicer than me and almost as bright. I have his dalek
Duncan Slater
Smart as fuck. One day he and I will write the new “Dad’s Army, Maybe
Nigel Hughes
Again someone I have long valued, but maybe never told.
Pete Johnson
The sight pf Pete at the HD awards was enough to make the trip worthwhile,