The Russian Steppes

This was writtem for a daily short story competition on the now sadly defunct BBC Get Writing Site. Basically, would-be authors were given a choice of titles and than had an hour or so to write the story. The title given for this one was the Russian Steppes. It made me smile when I came across it this morning...

Ah, greetings from Sunny Minsk, where we are being mostly big fans of your English popular music. Oh yes.

All your English popular music instrumental groups would be finding great welcoming should they be obliging us with rock and roll extravaganzing at the lovely Minsk Apollo (two floors, 500 capacity full and dancing till 9.30 in our executive Beetroot Beatgroup Ballroom and Grill, oh yes.)

We, here in Minsk, are the biggest fans of your stellar stratosphere popular musical groups. Many people here are proudest possessors of 1972 ticket stubs from Showaddyway sell-out live performancing. Les and his musical collaborators proved so populist that there was no feet of the tiger available for purchasing this side of Siberia! Lots of limping tigers that year – great Minsk joke, no?

As well as Les Gray’s Showaddywaddy, Minsk has also been hosting many other great decadent western rock icons – your Joe Dolce, your Goombay Dancing Band and your Baccara (Yes sir, they can boogie in beautiful Bielarussia, boogie woggie all night long – and night can be very long indeed in not necessarily sunny all the time Minsk!)

But greatest excitement of all was when beautiful rock chicken Dana came to Minsk in 1974. Such great mounting excitementness sent Minsk, rock and roll capital of former Soviet Union, into Rock Around the Clock type frenzying. Many seats were ripping when Dana belt out great rock anthem, All Kinds of Everything.

Very quiet day at tractor collective next morning, with Minsk moshers missing quarterly quota by 2.3 per cent (seasonally adjusted). But when beat hits crazy Minsk people, tractor quotas go out of the window.

After great tumulting with legendary rock chicklet, Dana, rock and roll music banned from city of Minsk by local communist party officials and Dana Fan Club of Minsk forced to hold secret meetings in underground baserments, where much discrete dancing to Everything Is Beautiful and other throbbing power hot tunes!

Finally, with falling of Berlin Wall and smuggling of bootlegging Baywatch David Hasselff compacted discs, Minsk once again bopping and pogoing to your decadent western rock monsters.

Sadly Dana no longer available – as she is working on tractor quota bill in your Eire Republic of Ireland Parliament Tractor Quota Legislation Department. Heavy irony not lost on Dana Rock and Roll Fan Club of Minsk!

Then in 1998, great liberal reform sweeps former Soviet Union with grand civic re-opening of Minsk Apollo by Alvin Stardust – with first notes of My Coo Ca Choo setting the nation state rocking, Minsk rock and rollers hear the sound of freedom. Sadly lovely Liza Goddard is not rock and rolling with Alvin Stardust but is in pantomime in Godalming and so misses re-birth of Minsk rock nation whilst at the top of one of your comedy beanstalks!

Following Alvin Stardust rock and roll renaissance, only one of your musical groupings can top that! People of Minsk send out heartfelt impassioned plea for rock and roll super-group Steps to be headlining at 1998 Belarussia New Metal Festival.

Sadly powerful music quintet Faye, Lisa, Lee, H and Claire cannot travel to Minsk for new annual Trash Metal festival as H has chiropody problem – another victim of decadent rock and roll park your Rolls Royce in Municipal Swimming Pool lifestyling no doubt!

But rocking and rolling Minsk population is nothing if not resourcefulness! Pretty damned soon Russian Steppes, world’s first Ukranian tributing bound is formed – Olga, Ivan, Ivan, other Olga and Cyril Ik (H name not translatable into Russian alphabet but is great wacky joke by Minsk Rock and Roll fan club, no?)

Sadly, due to oversight on very careless assistant airport petrol pumping comrade at Volgograd International Airport, Tupolev T-16 Badger carrying Russian Steppes crashes into Siberian ice mountain.

Is Tragedy like of which English supergroup Steps makes top smash hit record with.

All members of Russian Steppes later found by highly trained ice mountain rescue team of East Siberia – tragedy again – all frozen together in icing cube and no longer able to Keep on Moving, like great rock and roll classic contemporaries, axe heroing S-Club 7!

Russian Steppes now top only exhibit in Minsk Rock and Roll Museum (formerly Beetroot Beatgroup Ballroom and Grill!), where every day, as top man curator, I am dusting them off and turning heating down.

Russian Steppes, unlike Engish supergroup namesakers will never split – not without utility of top quality Minsk ice axe!

Rock and Roll forevering!