All the things I've done

Nick Creed

All the charisma of a sea of stagnant piss.

Diane Young

The reason DNA testing was invented.

Peter Booth and Martin Howley

Made my life miserable at secondary school, but was sort of buffered by the fore-knowledge that the rest of their lives would involve them dispensing fries and assiduously seeking out sachets of tartar sauce. Which it did.

Gordon Young

Actually lovable muppet, spends his entire life in fear of his missus. Possibly asexual (him not her – which may explain a lot).

Billy Anderson

A cunt’s cunt. Tricked his way into my home in Manc. Waited till I went out then rifled through all my possessions. Truth came out when he commented on my liking for Hawaiian shirts – buried at the back of a wardrobe. Later claimed I offered him coke. Truth is Billy, if I’d had coke I’d have snorted before you arrived, I would never have offered it you because I thought you were a grade “A” cunt. You sold nowt during your brief time at the Drum, as a former bankrupt. I dare say you have sold fuck all ever since whilst you’ve been at GMG. Look up cunt on wikipedia and you get gps direction to Billy’s house. Possibly the person I dislike the most. A cunt.

Shafat Ali

Battling with depression and big financial problems, I limped into Asian Sound Radio in 2002 and then got systematically ripped off. I met some lovely people there – Shujat and Younis (possibly one of the nicest guys I know). If Shafat comes across your personal horizon, write off any money you expect to make and prepare for defaults. A crook

Niall Boyle

When I firs came to China, I ended up sharing an apartment with Niall. He was twice the size of me and took to bullying and intimidating me. What he never knew was that me and Mary, my partner, at the time, used to regularly stick his tootbrush and that of his, underage, partners up each other’s arses. Hope you are reading this Niall.You take care now.

Mike McCormack

McCormack so much wanted to be Ray Sale, when Ray died he failed the audition.Big style.

Ted Walmsley

Dull cunt, staying awake in the self-regarding presence of this Daily Telegraph rep was above and beyond work requirements. Don’t know what he’s doing now. Suspect not much.

Adam Godley

Possibly clinically insane. A teacher at Aihua who claimed to be able to tell the future. Hr couldn’t. He got sacked.unexpectedly. Recently voted by DC, Fin and me as Aihua’s worst ever teacher. Including the paedophile. Bet he didn’t see that coming.

Niall Kennedy

Degree from Balliol, made pregnant women cry and smelt like a rogered skunk. Epic cunt.

Lloyd Anderson

Teacher at Aihua. Snogged Chinese girls when they were passed out. Candidate for involuntary euthanasia.

Dr C

Mad bad, Dr C, deeply-flawed but deeply loved by equally deeply flawed me. I’d trust him totally with regard to anything and hope he feels the same way about me.

Finlay Beaton

An amazing person, he exudes a degree of good will and trust around himself to an extent I doubt he really knows. We don’t always see eye-to-eye, but he’s one of the few people who makes it feel like that’s my fault. Which I kind of like. Diamond geezer.

John Mckeown

An old friend. Would love to see him. Smart beyond his years and has the inner tranquillity I spend my life craving.

Claire Haigh/Shaw

An old friend from school. Me and the missus met her a Xmas and the years fell away. Very fond of her and glad we are back in touch.

Nick Jaspan

Nick bought me back into journalism. One of the smartest and most genuine guys I know. Whatever he does with how-do, I owe him and I hope we will always be mates.

Paul Caroll

Not everyone’s favourite but one of mine,. PR consultancies across the region can breathe easily with Paul in semi-retirement, but should he change his mind you’ve had it. Maybe worth subbing his Saga holidays cruises and annual stipend to the bowling green.

Graeme Wood

Few people, save from Terry Savage, inspire a desire in me to spontaneously hug, but Graeme does. Graeme is smart, genuine and great company. Four minutes to the end of the world? I’d have a beer with Graeme – and not just because he’d insist on paying.

Mel Harding

One of the funniest and kindest people I know. Took pity on me when I was deeply in the shit. Never forgotten.

Mike Barrington

A friend and mentor who has watched me fuck up more time than I know and still bought me pizza. One day I’d like to be that smart. And have a house in NZ/

Debbie Brown

Of all the people I never had sex with, Debbie Brown is the one I love the most. She was a phenomenon. The biggest mistake I made was stopping working with her. The biggest mistake we both made was not trying to buy the business off Wilmington who are, were and always will be a directionless bunch of chancers.

Rob Rea

An old uni mate and somebody else I should tell how much I appreciate him. He helped me out in the bad times and was never judgemental. You know what., Rob, I owe you a dinner and a half.

Ken Tod

Ten times nicer than me and almost as bright. I have his dalek

Duncan Slater

Smart as fuck. One day he and I will write the new “Dad’s Army, Maybe

Nigel Hughes

Again someone I have long valued, but maybe never told.

Pete Johnson

The sight pf Pete at the HD awards was enough to make the trip worthwhile,