Phase the First
With the world’s attention rightly fixed on Syria-land (and UK left-wingers Charleston-ing in the thoroughfares to celebrate their small part in enshrining the entitlement of small Arab children to be mustard-gassed by their unelected leaders without the fear of British Imperialism), it remains clear that Something Must Be Done.
It is clearly anathema to Right Thinking People Everywhere to dispatch the Cream of British Youth to the streets of Aleppo, especially when this Sceptered Isle is currently facing So Many Domestic Problems Of Its Own. Why, just 35 miles from fair Mancashire, lies the perturban sprawl that is Liverpool. Here the city is home to its third successive lost generation, a record only matched by a sink estate in Northernmost Mordorshire.
With many ‘Pudlians largely impoverished, with few career prospects and desperate for an outlet for their aggressions and frustrations, it is clearly Time to Act.
The solution (and I fear Regular Readers May Be Ahead of Me Here) is only too apparent. Let us tame two of the Great Social Ills of the 21st Century with one Bold Move. Philanthropy and concern for my fellow man leads me to posit one Noble and Worthy Suggestion – does it not behoove us to initiate, in short order, the compulsory voluntarisation of Merseyside Miscreants and their summary relocationment to Damascus and its troubled environs?
Should you or any of your family (immediate or extended) dwell within the “L” postal-coded district, we at Syria S.O.S (Send Only Scousers) call upon you to do your patriotic duty and apply for your Syrian visa forthwithly. If such strictures do not apply to you personally, then you can still Do Your Bit.
Simply mail or email anybody you know, have met or have vaguely heard of who lives within the DVZ (Designated Volunteer Zone) and encourage their participation. Vague anonymity, but an apparent knowledge of the recipient’s daily movements, may prove a boon to effectiveness here. In many ways, it would be a Great Kindness.
While many UK squaddies would feel severely dislocated amid the looting, corruption, petty theftery, pungent odours and toxic surrounds of this divided Arab nation, for Scousers it would merely ward off any incipient homesickness.
Phase the Second: Syria: S.A.S.
Upon the completion of Phase I (and let’s not rush these things; after all, it took the population of Hull nearly six months before they started to think of the Helmand Province as ‘home’), then Phase II can begin in earnest.
It is, of course, abhorrent to see Families Divided by Great Geographical Spans, not knowing if their loved ones are safe in the ever more-dangerous environments in which they are obliged to live and serve. Naturally, then, it is Incumbent on us to Reunite them with All Speed. Therefore, I propose that all remaining Merseysiders are dispatched to the Eastern Ghouta district in time for Christmas. Surely no-one would want families to be apart over the festive season?
With this facilitated migration complete, it only requires Nice People From Runcorn to move into the newly empty city and sustain its one clandestine and viable contribution to the UK economy – showing Chinese tourists the bungalow where John Lennon used to live and selling them counterfeit Cavern souvenirs.
God bless us, each and every one, in this Great Endeavour.
Next Week: Mars Exploration and the Meeting the Challenge of Pollockshields
